MorningBird

GOODBYE MRS. ROBINSON

I have never known a religious Jew, but I knew a Jewish girl that could take you to heaven with a kiss. Her name was Nikki Polychron and she operated in a high school social set apart from mine. She was beautiful and I was afraid of her, but I got up the nerve to approach her at the Senior Prom. I have never forgotten that kiss.

Jewish women are a mystery to me. On the one hand, they have a reputation for being domineering and whiny. On the other hand, for me anyway, they ooze sexuality. I picture all Jewish women with thick, long, black hair and a ribald sense of humor—like Mrs. Robinson.

I always thought Anne Bancroft played herself in "The Graduate"—strong, sassy, sexy and funny. Who else could spend a lifetime with Mel Brooks?

THE GATES

I went to see The Gates yesterday with Annice and Sharon. It was a crisp hat-and-gloves day with almost no breeze and the bright blue sky was dotted with high-riding clouds. You needed shades. We walked all the way from our Murray Hill Hotel at 39th & Lexington to Central Park, window-shopping the last few blocks on Fifth Avenue, before we entered the park at 59th street.

The park was mobbed, but it was a laid back crowd, almost serene. People were smiling, talking in normal tones, and strolling about at a leisurely pace. Cameras were everywhere and I noticed how considerate strangers were for the amateur photographer's sight lines and their fumbling attempts to master digital controls. Everyone was patient; no pushing or shoving and no shouting, in fact I didn’t see an unpleasant incident all day.

I had seen photos of Christo’s orange-draped gates in the newspapers and on TV, but still, you don’t know what to expect until you meet something like that. It was not a “Wow” effect for me, but more like being immersed in something. It simply enveloped me. It felt good.

Other people seemed to be in the same state. They were not oohing and aahing, but just strolling along, arm in arm, others with leashes in arm (I saw some splendid dogs, all well behaved as only NYC dogs can be in crowds of strangers). Other viewers were walking alone enjoying the moment in solitude.

We meandered back and forth from Eastside to Westside as we worked our way north to the Belvedere Castle. The castle may be the highest elevation in Central Park, certainly the highest vantage point we found that day, and we got some spectacular photos of The Gates with the Manhattan Skyline in the background.

The sun was sinking as we left the castle and we headed for Columbus Avenue and warm refreshments. As we left the park and strolled past the Museum of Natural history, it hit me. This day reminded me of July 4th, 1976 when America celebrated 200 years of independence. I was living in the city then, and I remember the calm that descended on New York that day. The mood of the city changed overnight from hard-edged to mellow. It was dramatic and I never forgot it.

Much has happened in the last 28 years and New York City, though still the hubbub capital of the world is not as harsh as it was in 1976. I suppose a 9/11 will do that to you. Still the city hums with an edgy energy and it was noticeable when it paused to relax for The Gates yesterday. Maybe great events bring out the best in great cities.

KERIK THE NANNY KILLER

This Kerik stuff is interesting; it makes the President, and whoever vetted the guy, look like amateurs.  Not good.

I remember when Guiliana named Kerik Commissioner of NYC; I thought it was strange, because the guy had no management experience to speak of, not for a job like that.  And the guy he beat out had all the credentials.

But Kerik's demise is nothing compared to the damage it will do to the economy. This is terrible for the nanny industry.  What do they expect us to do, pay the poor devils a minimum wage?  Hell, they can't even speak English. And social security and workmen's comp?  My God, the paperwork will drive us crazy, not to mention the taxes.  Guess we'll have to eliminate some perks--or let them go.

I can see it now.  The help for which we collected and paid zero taxes, will now collect unemployment benefits, food stamps, and if they're smart and fall down on the way out of the building, workmen's comp.  Is this a great country or what?

Blame it on Rudy.

“LET THEM EAT SHOPPING CARDS”

Acme, Clemens, Giant, Pathmark, Red Lion, Safeway (Genaurdi’s), Super Fresh, and Wegmans are grocery stores I frequent, and that require me to identify myself with a plastic card, key ring tag, or phone number, before they will grant me, the customer, the most favorable pricing. Prices that I can get anyway, simply by telling the cashier that I forgot my plastic card, key ring tag, or phone number. ("I forgot my phone number," is only believable if over 60, as I am.)

What has happened to us? Is there a more competitive industry than groceries? The grocery chains sell the same stuff and they compete on price—nothing more. They cannot raise prices and stay in business. Yet we allow them to herd us about like cattle in the slaughterhouse. They will not grant us the best prices unless we join their "Frequent Shoppers Club".

Presumably, the “Frequent Shoppers Club” is for capturing vital data on consumer behavior. Ha! For what purpose? The point-of-sale system automatically records product and pricing data without any input from the customer. Why do they need my ID? The only visible reason I have noticed, is so they can look at the register tape, find my name, smile sweetly, and cheerfully recite, "Thank you Mr. V." For this, I carry eight plastic cards in my wallet?

How does belonging to The Frequent Shoppers Club, help you? Has it made the shopping experience more pleasant? Have you received any rewards from your grocer tied to your specific purchases? Have you received any compensation for the data you freely key-in and swipe for them in a lane-clogging exercise, and carry around in your wallet, presumably, like mine, bulging with multiple "Shoppers Club Cards"?

I shop at three other establishments. Two of them, Whole Foods and Food Source, are upscale grocers, and both allow me to pass through the checkout line without a Shoppers Card, Social Security No., Photo ID, or fingerprint. Cool.

The other one, COSTCO, will not allow me in the store without first showing my member card, but for good reason; the prices are stupendous. And where else could I find mustard in gallon jars?

Merchants that require us to lug about proof of ID, without corresponding benefits, do us no favors. What would they do if we burned our cards?

I vote for a grocery store "Shoppers Card" burning ceremony in the parking lot. Who will join me? (We must coordinate the dates; I have several stops to make.)