WHY AM I DOING THIS?

Someone asked, “Why are you doing this?”

I said, “It's the election, stupid. I will miss six months of boring political ads and nauseating analysis. If possible, I will find a way to extend my hike beyond November 2."

As I prepare to depart, Howard Dean has resigned; another good reason for me to slink away. A few months ago, I naively wrote that Governor Dean would win the nomination and could win the Presidency. I hope that I am a better hiker than a political prognosticator. Nevertheless, I miss Howard already. I have a soft spot for fringe candidates; I liked Perot, I liked Nader, I liked Anderson and McCarthy and McGovern, and I loved Goldwater—more than a fringe candidate, Barry was the nominee—but I did not vote for any of them. I wish I had voted for Goldwater, but I was too young and liberal then; besides, that mushroom cloud scared the hell out of me.

The economy is recovering, albeit in a herky-jerky fashion, and if you believe the reports coming out of Washington—a stretch, I admit—unemployed workers are slowly, but steadily finding new jobs. That is not good enough for some.

The Democrats wallow in jobs lost, not jobs found; how else can they unseat the incumbent? They bemoan the jobs shipped to India and to other offshore locales with lower wages and often better work habits. I have a question: Why do the loudest protesters of jobs moving offshore, buy all of their stuff from the China outlet store, i.e., Wal-Mart?

Union leaders wallow and bark about worker's rights, but not the worker who removes the plate from their table at The Palm.

John F. Kerry wants George W. Bush's job. By the way, speaking of the new JFK, how can a person smile and look sad at the same time?

Theresa Heinz Kerry--sans hyphen--wants Laura Bush's job. (Some states have laws about the hyphen, the hymen too if you are underage.)

Hillary also wants President Bush’s job. Of course, Bill wants his old job back, even if only officially as Hillary's consigliore.

On a more serious note for Washington watchers, Mark Brunell wants Patrick Ramsey's job, and everyone wants Joe Gibbs to keep the job he returned to, but The Danny has a lighter hair-trigger than Dirty Harry. The air is electric.

In New York, the air is full of money. All of it is going into A-Rod’s pocket; part of it coming from his old team, the Texas Rangers and the rest of it from George’s pocket, which is the same pocket as the New York Yankees, the two pockets long ago becoming indistinguishable.

Martha’s pockets are lighter by a k-zillion or so. Martha likes her job and she wants to keep it, but the prosecutor has another job in mind for her, serious housekeeping at the Allenwood Conference Center in bucolic White Deer PA. She will not like the smock frock. However, she will be in good company when her friends from Adelphia, Enron, Tyco, and WorldCom arrive. Perhaps they will start an investment club.

Over at the UN, the Secretary-General placidly monitors the killing in Iraq, Israel, the West Bank, Gaza, Sudan, Chechnya, Haiti, the Congo, blah, blah, blah; a lot of jobs there for U.N. peacekeepers.

I do not have a job and so I am about to depart for 6 months of misery on the Appalachian Trail. I leave you with a question:

If Kofi Annan and Bud Selig traded jobs, would anyone notice?